[BOYS TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
BOY 1: Man, you're cheating.
BOY 2: You're out of bounds. BOY 1: You're out of bounds.
BOY 2: No, I'm not. BOY 1: Cheater. Hey, you get back.
BOY 1: Get back! BOY 2: No way!
[DOG BARKING]
Yes, you are.
I shot you right in the head again.
I got you, I got you, I got you.
You missed me by a mile.
Then how come you're wet?
Because we're standing in the sprinklers, dork.
You're cheating. MARCI: Sparky!
You're cheating.
Sparky, get in here for dinner.
I'm coming.
You get in here now!
I'm coming!
Right, and so is time travel.
Hey!
I'll be back.
Come on, Toby, let's go home.
I'm home.
[MARCI LAUGHS]
Matt, they're sprinkling again.[GASPS]
Really?
Really? He... He watered all afternoon.
What are you doing? Nothing. I was...
Were you watching them?
What? No, I was just walking by the window and...
Amazing.
[MOANING]
MATT: Oh. KAREN: They're at it again.
Ah.
Again?
So... You've watched them before.
No. Yes, you have.
Come on. Okay, once or twice.
Hmm. But this doesn't feel right. I feel like a peeping Tom.
Oh, and that bothers you?
See, this is okay because we...
We are teachers.
And we are supposed to fulfill this thirst for knowledge that we have.
And it's like a social science experiment.
Observing real people.
Studying, uh... [MARCI LAUGHING]
Our fellow man...
...and woman.
Ah.
Maybe there are things we're better off not knowing.
[MOANING CONTINUES]
Bucky, time for bed, sweetie.
Okay.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Toby was just stuffy, so...
I opened the window for him.
Oh, good, good.
Who's your pal?
You are. Who else?
And Dad. Who else?
And Toby.
Good night, Toby.
Go to sleep. Good night, Mom. Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[MARCI MOANING LOUDLY]
Show's over?
Got a notice from the college today.
Faculty housing is available again.
No, thank you.
Really?
Well, do you want to know what Bucky was doing upstairs?
He was looking out the window.
Watching Lenny and Marci go at it.
You're kidding.
You mean, he was, like,
peeping on the neighbs? Yeah.
Well, he's a kid, it's age appropriate.
Starts when you're 10, it lasts till you die.
Oh, a guy thing.
Exactly.
[CHUCKLES] You know, these people are not like us, Matt.
That's right, honey, they're not like us because they are real people, okay.
Oh, what is that supposed to mean?
They are working people, salt of the Earth.
An honest day's pay for an honest day's work.
Nothing wrong with living among people like that.
That's kind of neat.
Neat? Yeah.
Okay. Okay.
We've been here a year now, right?
Right. So do you know what Lenny does for a living?
Yeah, I know, he's a butcher.
And you're a college professor?
And you're a big snob.
And you're an idiot.
You're... You're looking for trouble.
Yeah.
Sparky, come on.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Hey, Spark. Come here.
Come on. Oh, no, no.
Mom, come on. All right, go.
Get in the car.
You look good, baby girl.
You look good too, lamb chop.
That's because I am looking at you, baby girl.
I'm looking at you too, lamb chop.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
[EXHALES]
So...
Did Mom talk to you about watching the Benedetti's last night?
A little. You're going to talk to me about it too?
LENNY: Hiya, Matt. A little. Hey, Lenny.
You see, I think it's perfectly normal
for, you know...
You got to be curious about that kind of thing. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah. Don't feel bad about it.
We all do it. It's a guy thing.
Did you do it when you were a kid?
What, are you joking? Of course I did.
Do you do it now?
Get in the car, Bucky.
This is going to be a little longer talk than I thought.
Dr. Coler?
Did somebody ask about finals?
GIRL: I did. Why?
Because our grades depend on it.
Your grades depend on your ability to think.
Your grades do not depend on
your answers to 1,238,892
multiple choice questions
drawn from a book by one of the department's secretaries,
thank you very much.
Well, does that mean, like,
we're not giving a humongous exam?
Do I look like the kind of guy who believes in, "Like, humongous exams"?
[ALL LAUGH]
I do not believe in cramming.
I do not believe in cribbing.
I do not believe in all-nighters,
except of course with a pretty girl.
No sexual harassment lawsuits, please.[ALL LAUGH]
Humor is still, believe it or not, protected by the First Amendment.
Until, of course, the next election.
Now if I were to give a final exam,
it would be with no preparation at all.
And it would be one big,
if I may paraphrase you, sir,
"humongous" question. Something like...
"Tell me everything you know about William Shakespeare's Macbeth."
[STUDENTS GROAN] No, was that too big?
Okay, then how about this?
Lady Macbeth...
You got a minute?
"Lady Macbeth, pre-modern feminist
"or classic
"power-hungry bitch?"
[ALL LAUGH]
That would be a good one, yeah.
Yeah, and I do it like a pop quiz, just out of the blue.
In fact, that's it, that's right, that's the one.
Lady Macbeth, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah...
And why?
Ladies and gentleman, take out your pencils.
This is your final examination.
And begin.
Hey is this line speeding, huh?
Who the hell is speeding the line?
Lenny, call for you.
Is this line speeding, huh?
We're working a side every 12 minutes.
Twelve minutes. You looking at this watch?
You want a better view?
We're way behind from the lay-off.
Right, well, that's not my problem.
That's the management's problem, all right.
Okay, I'm coming.
I told you this line was speeding.
Hey, Buckeroo.
I got a little something. Hey, neighbor.
Hey, Tob. Hey, Lenny. How you doing?
Where is it? I got a little something.
Yeah. Whoa.
Cool. Is that a basketball?
Yeah. MATT: Come on, right here.
All right. B-ball.
Hey.
Hey, why don't you and Sparky take it out back and give it a test drive?
Nah, I'm not too good at basketball.
What are you talking about?
Of course, you're good at B-ball.
He's terrific. Come on, pass him the ball.
Come on, Bucky. Pass it off.
Give him.
MATT: Oh, I got it, I got it.
LENNY: You want to play?
Lenny, could you turn your sprinkler down just a little?
My lawn needs a lot of water.
Rice paddies need a lot of water, okay.
Lawns actually don't need that much water.
And, you see, I got these azaleas here, and they just...
They hate water, okay?
So, if you don't mind,
I'm just going to pull your sprinkler back just a tad.
Is that okay?
Yeah, fine.
Good.
Okay, here we go, Spark.
Let's play some ball.
Okay.
Come on.
We got the ball first.
LENNY: Come on, Sparky. Shoot it up, come on.
Now look. Look at the rim, okay? Focus on the rim.
Give it a real good look.
Look at the rim. All right, now shoot it, come on.
Rocky, get home.
Get out of here, go!
You know what, Lenny? Why don't we just let the kids play ball
and you know... No, no, no.
Look, we can all play.
We can play fathers and sons, huh?
Hey, Bucky.
You want to play fathers and sons, huh?
Sure.
Yeah. I don't know.
You know, I just got home from work,
I got my jacket on... You're fine.
You got shoes with rubber soles on them, come on.
We'll all play.
It'll be fun.
Come on, try to shoot it over me, come on.
BUCKY: All right.
Yes. Let's try that again.
Oh, yeah.
Come on, try it again from the foul line right there.
Yeah, the foul line right there.
Where? Right here.
Right here? Yeah.
BUCKY: Come on, Dad. LENNY: Yeah, try it again.
Rejected!
Rejection!
BUCKY: Why don't you guys play?Yeah, okay, let's play.
[GRUNTING]
Damn it.
[LAUGHS]
MATT: Yeah!
BUCKY: Get him, get him, Dad.
D up.
D up, let me bring it in. D up.
Bring it in.
Here, how about that?
Yeah. For two.
Dad is the greatest, for two.
Come on, Dad. Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's a foul.
Yeah. Yeah.
Dad. Damn it.
LENNY: You want it, huh?
You okay? LENNY: Want to call a foul?
Oh, Dad, you're bleeding.
You want to call a foul? MATT: No!
Call it a foul, come on. Come on, get up.
No, I'm okay. Don't play, don't play.
No, I'm okay, give me the ball. Come on. Just give me, give me.
I'll give you another chance.
D up, Dad. One more basket to win it.
D up. Come on.
LENNY: He steals the ball.
Dad, come on, come on, get him.
Yeah! Game point!
Game point! Yeah!
Good game, Lenny.
Good game, my foot.
It was a great game.
It was a monster game.
You two guys just got beat
by the magnificent Benedetti!
[YELLING]
MARCI: Lenny, Sparky.
Two minutes to dinner.
Okay, baby girl.
LENNY: We showed them, didn't we?SPARKY: Yeah.
My hero.
We lost. Ah.
BUCKY: He cheated.
Yeah. Yeah?
That's the way he plays the game.
We'll get him next time.
Man, you should have elbowed him right in the face.
Hit the showers.
Son...
Good game.
I didn't even play.
KAREN: How was the game? The man is a total jerk.
Ow.
Yeah. Yeah, well, the man's wife invited
us over for barbecue.
We're busy, okay.
[SCREAMING] Ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow!
I'm too busy, we can't do this... Ow!
Yeah, well, I told them Sunday would be good.Are you joking?
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Sunday is my golf game.
I want to play with the guys. I don't want to
go over next door... I know, I know, I know.
...to some Neanderthal... Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
But we're just going to stroll over there.
We're going to seize an opportunity
and we're going to discuss that damn sprinkler of theirs.
Okay, you know what, I'll do this
but I don't want to seem offended or annoyed,
so just try to... No, no, no, no.
...ease into the sprinkler thing.
Okay, just... [GROANS] Just going to discuss things.
Real people discuss things.Yes.
They do. Yes, they do, okay.
And we're just going to ease into it though
while we're discussing, you know...
Meat.
Hi. Hey, neighbor.
Hey, guys.
Just in time.
Karen, you're all wet.
Yeah, well... Because...
That's because we had to use the driveway
and kind of duck under the sprinklers there.
And you know, Lenny, I was kind of wondering,
do you think maybe there's just a skosh too much water on that lawn there?
No! Well, it's killing our azaleas.
Could you just not mention that, the azaleas, this one time?
Okay, that's all I've ever asked in this whole marriage.Boys!
Here we go.
Thanks, Mom. Okay, you can watch TV,
down in the basement. Go, scoot, scoot.
Oh, this is great. He's cooking an entire herd of cattle.
This is great.
[SNIFFS] Ah. Perfecto.
Well, come on, guys, sit down, little closer to the food here.
Karen, you like a big piece of meat, huh?
There's plenty more where this came from.
Thank you.
Little bit of ketchup.
That's good, thank you.
Good.
Real meat.
That's one of the perks of being married to a butcher, isn't it, lamb chop?
It sure is, baby girl.
[MOANING]
Of course, Karen here gets to be teacher's pet, don't you, Karen?
Well... Well, the perks are more like,
you know, being able to make love in the afternoon.
[LAUGHTER]
Wow, really?
All I get is this.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, you two are just so real.
What? I don't mean that in a bad way.
When I say real, it's not a negative value judgment, or anything...
It's just a...
Oh, boy. I'm not doing a very good job of explaining myself.
Um, just forget it. I'm sorry.
No, hold on.
I know what you mean.
I work with my hands,
you two work with your mind.
So it isn't just hours and paychecks you have to compare,
but certain fundamental assumptions, right?
Lenny had a 160 IQ in high school.
A 160 IQ? Uh-huh.
That's high. Wow, the family secret.
Hey, cat's out of the bag, big guy.
Hey, it's okay, really. I like being a butcher.
Just fine, just fine.
Well, it's not such a dumb thing to be, really.
It's just fundamentally different.
You know, like,
you two here write in chalk on a blackboard.
And sometimes
the chalk squeaks in your fingers.
[SQUEAKS]
I know. Don't you hate the way that feels?
Back in Chicago,
where I started out,
it gets really cold in the winters
and we worked outside, Karen,
and sometimes
your fingers, they would just turn to ice.
And just when you thought you couldn't move them anymore,
another truck would come in.
And all the young guys, they'd groan.
But all the old guys, they'd run right for that truck.
Because they knew that it was filled with
fresh kill straight from the slaughter house.
And we'd pull out a calf
and the carcass was still warm to the touch.
We'd crack its back right there on the loading dock
and the steam would come rising up out of the calf.
Real steam.
Warm your fingers right over it.
And it is goddamn hard to explain how that feels
to people who work in chalk and a blackboard.
Green, Lenny.
They're green boards now.
It's easier on the eyes.
Yeah, well...
Everything changes.
We hardly get fresh kills anymore.
Oh, my God! Would somebody change the subject please?
Yeah.
Yeah, I got a little, uh...
A little brain teaser here for you, Mr. 160 IQ.
Uh-oh.
Is this going to be one of those trick questions?
No.
All you got to do is think.
Just requires a little logic that's all.
Matt collects these conundrums.
They're mental puzzles. If...
If you can't get them don't feel bad.
They're really hard.
I don't get most of them.
Well, fire away, Matt.
A guy's on the run in the jungle.
Okay?
He knows that two tribes
live in the area.
One tribe always tells the truth.
And the other tribe always lies.
And the liars are cannibals.
Now, he comes to a fork in the road.
Okay?
And there's this,
like, native warrior standing there at the fork of the road.
Okay, now this guy knows if he goes
to the truth teller village,
he's safe. And if he goes to the liars' village,
he's dinner. And he has no way of knowing whether this
warrior, standing on the fork of the road is a truth teller
or a liar, and he's only got time
to ask one question.
What is the question he asks?
Could you get me some?
Which way to the liars' village?
LENNY: Oh, no. Why the liars'?
I don't know, I mean, I guessed, I thought.
Come on, Matt. Tell them the question that the guy asks.
The guy says...
No, no, wait. Don't tell, I am working on it.
Thanks.
[LAUGHS]
I got it.
He asks the guy,
which way to your village?
Oh, Matt. Give him the right answer.
Put him out of his misery. What is it?
That... That actually is the right answer.
Yeah. Yeah. You see, if you ask the truth teller
which way to his village he is going to point you to the truth teller's village.
But if you ask the liar
which way to his village, he's going to lie about it
and point you to the truth teller's.
So it doesn't matter which
tribe the warrior is from,
if you ask him which way to your village,
he's always going to point you to the right way to go.
Lenny, that is such good thinking.
Well done. Such good thinking.
LENNY: That's not a lie. That's great. Never thought that out.
It's very good. It's excellent, uh, logic.
[LENNY AND MARCI MOANING]
Okay.
So the first game goes to me.
How about best two out of three?
Okay, okay.
Um...
Hats five.
A guy... A guy wears five hats.
Yes, two red hats and three blue hats.
No, no, no, I get to pick this one.
Okay. Fire away.
How about arm wrestling?
No. Arm wrestle.
Let's go. No, I don't think...
No, not arm wrestling. LENNY: Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
Arm wrestling. What's the big deal?
Yeah, you two guys can arm-wrestle too.
No, no, no. No, this is okay
because I got to tell you, I used to be
the arm wrestling champion of Francis Lewis.
LENNY: Junior High School?
Why were you...
Sparky! Don't you get those cushions wet.
Sparky, do you want a smack?
Lenny, it's just outdoor furniture. It's meant to get wet.
Excuse me, but I don't need mildew on my cushions.
Sparky! Damn it!
I'll take care of this.
Excuse me, hey, Sparky.
Sparky, can I just see this for a second?
How does this work?
Kind of like that?
[LAUGHS]
MATT: Take that, Bucky boy. Go around, Bucky.
MATT: Come here. Aha! Die!
Your husband's a child.
Yeah, he's very charming that way.
MATT: Die, legion scum!
I didn't say he was child-like,
I said the man's a child.
Excuse me.
Probably why he teaches school.
What are you talking about?
Lenny has a theory about everything.
Don't you, lamb chop?
I sure do, baby girl.
You see, Karen,
we're powerless as kids
but, God Almighty, when we are teachers,
aren't we so... I mean, it's got to be kind of rushed,
to move over to the other side of the desk,
don't you think?
It sort of keeps a guy from growing up
and living a real life.
Don't you think?
MARCI: He doesn't mean it like it sounds.
Well, actually I do.
[MATT GRUNTS]
MATT: Wounded.
Behind the back. There we go.
I think I can teach Matt a thing or two about real life.
Really?
You don't know the first thing about my husband.
Lenny.
Marci, thanks for the barbecue.I'm sorry.
I didn't mean anything by it.
It was just an observation.
KAREN: Let's go, Matt.
What an uptight bitch, huh? [CHUCKLES]
So how does it feel communicating with real people, honey?
Hey, I didn't have a bad time.
I mean, I had a good time, didn't you?
You had a good time with him,
because you feel superior to them.
The reason I had a good time...
[BOTH LAUGH]
I'll tell you why I had a good time.
I had a good time because... Just because...
Just because he gave us a great barbecue.
Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
MARCI: Stupid, selfish son of a bitch!Is that them?
Maybe we left the party too soon. No, no, no.
No, no, this side of the bed does not want you to go.
No, no, no, come back.
Matt.
MARCI: Get your hands off of me!
LENNY: Come here! [BOTH SCREAMING]
MATT: What's he doing?
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
KAREN: He just came out on the front lawn.
The man is a beast.
I am a beast.
No, no, no, I... You know,
I got to hand it to him. He seems comfortable in his own skin.
What does that mean?
KAREN: I just get the feeling
that he knows what he is doing.
MATT: Oh, really?
You think this
humanoid knows what he is doing? That's great.
Okay. I have to tell you something.
I don't think he's that happy with what he's doing.
You mean, like, when he was talking about the fresh kill.
Well, for example. Yeah, he did sound depressed.
Sad. Not depressed, okay.
People like Lenny don't get depressed, they get sad.
And what do you think is the difference?
People like us
get depressed, okay. And it takes like years of therapy.
Then we get better.
And people like Lenny get sad
and that's a whole lot easier to fix.
Yeah. Maybe not.
Yeah.
No, no, because, see,
you get a guy like Lenny a six pack of beer and you get him laid
and ba-boom, he's a happy man again.
Would getting laid make you a happy man again?
What? Would it help?
It couldn't hurt.
Hi, Marci.
Hey, Marci, um,
could you come over and take a look and see
what your sprinkler's doing over here?
Going shopping, Karen.
Want to come?
No, no, I can't. I'm trying to save my azaleas.
You go and have fun.
How are your azaleas doing? Yeah, well...
My azaleas, well, they're all dead.
Water burnt, Matt,
all of them, they're gone.
Could you do something, please, about this?
I've talked to him half a dozen times.
He just doesn't get it.
Plant something else. Yeah.
Like what? Water lilies?
Well, what do you want me to do about it, Karen?
Well, why don't you go figure it out.
I don't know. You're the full tenured professor.
Fine.
This is a bit childish, isn't it?
Hey, he wants some water,
fine, here, here.
There, he can have some water.
He's afraid of mildew, great.
He can grow penicillin on his butt.
He's gonna feel like he's married to Esther Williams.
Here, okay, you like water?
I got you water right there, okay?
Here, fine. That adult enough for you?
Marci!
Fucking shit.
Marci!
Fucking goddamn shit.
Lenny, yo.
Is there a problem?
You fucking goddamn shit.
Oh, good idea, more water. Come on.
Come on.
How do you like it? Not fun, is it?
Hey, Lenny.
Right here, okay.
[INAUDIBLE]
You are as bad as he is, you know.
In fact, you are worse than he is because you ought to know better.
Oh, I do know better.
I do, and that's why
he is out there slouching on three feet of water
and I'm safe and sound in my own house, okay.
Oh, shut the window, shut it.
Oh, God.
[SCREAMS]
Okay, okay. Hey. Okay.
Truce, truce.
Stop.
Okay, truce.
Now we're even, okay?
Look. Gee.
It's okay, we're even now.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Look at this.
Lenny, what you doing?
Just watering this thirsty little grass patch of ours.
You're not watering their azaleas, are you, Lenny?
You look good, baby girl.
You look good too, lamb chop.
That's because I am looking at you, baby girl.
That's because I am looking at you too, lamb chop.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ We don't need no drive-in movies
♪ Don't need no one to show us how
♪ Come on, girl, let's get together
♪ While the moon is shining bright
♪ I got a Chevy van It looks like heaven
♪ And it'll be our home sweet home tonight ♪
Matt!
Come here, quick.
What... What happened to our garden?
We have to do something now.
What happened to our garden? What do you think happened to our garden?
I don't... Oh, we got to build a fence.
This is... No, no, I'm not living behind some wall.
This is ridiculous. Got to do something about him.
We got to do something about him. This is...
What are you planning to do?
I'm going to slay the dragon.
Hey, neighbor.
Neighbor.
Nice hose.
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
You're right, Matt.
That's okay.
I've been meaning to get a new one anyway.
Next time maybe get a little shorter one.
Save the old azaleas.
[DOOR CLOSING]
Come on, everybody.
Let's go. We're going out to dinner and I'm buying,
and why the sky's the limit because...
Oh, we won. Yes.
We won. We got their hose.
We got their hose, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You two are so clevered out...
Hey, you know what, he's messing with the wrong guy.
God!
Damn it.
Damn it!
Damn it.
Hi, Matt.
He's been waiting for you.
[EXHALES]
[TV PLAYING]
Hey, Matt.
It's getting kind of expensive, Lenny. You want to call it off?
Call what off?
It.
The water thing, this feud.
[SIGHS]
[REDUCES VOLUME]
You want to just settle it up?
Yes, I do. Let's just end it.
Marci, do have that envelope for Matt?
Here you go, neighbor. Sorry.
You'll find in there a bill for a new set of furniture cushions.
[CHUCKLES]
A bill.
We would appreciate reimbursements
at your early as possible convenience.
What about my car, Lenny?
You know what it's going to cost to refurbish that interior?
I don't now anything about it.
Let's just call it even, Lenny.
I'll forget it if you do.
I never forget anything, Matt.
Never.
Really?
So what are you going to do if I don't pay the bill, Lenny?
You're going to just take me down to Small Claims Court?
[CHUCKLES]
Hell, no, neighbor.
I'm going to take you out in the backyard
and beat the piss out of you.
How much is it for?
Five hundred dollars.
What?
See, he didn't have the receipts, said I would have to trust him.
Said, however, he wasn't going to bill me for the hose.
Real sport.
Don't you pay the bill.
Hey, you know what, Karen?
It's not like we can't afford it
and if it buys a little peace in the valley
then it's not such a... Not such a bad idea.
It's 500 bucks, you know.
Don't you dare pay the bill.
Okay.
You know what, Lenny?
Tell you what, let's just...
Let's just do this, like reasonable men.
Okay?
Just, you know, you and me,
man to man,
I'll tell you my problems, you'll tell me your problems.
We'll come to an understanding.
We'll communicate, it's like
couple of guys sitting around and talking.
Lenny? You home?
Lenny.
Hello.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi, it's Matt, from next door.
[BARKING]
Rocky. Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Rocky, good dog.
Hi. Good dog, quite a watchdog.
Come on, down, down, down.Is, uh...
Is Lenny home?
Oh, no, he took Bucky and Spark to the mall.
He took Bucky? Sit.
Sit down. Uh, Marci.
You know that, uh...
You know that thing about, uh...
MARCI: Sit. Good dog. ...lawn furniture?
There's got to be a better way to work this out, don't you think?
Oh, that's a good doggie, that's a good doggie.
What a good doggie you are.
Anyway, could you tell Lenny that I...
That I stopped by? I'd like to just sit down with him at a table
and kind of work this thing out.
Just, kind of, man to man, okay?
You want a cup of coffee?
MATT: No, no, I got to... I got to get out of here.
Whoa, whoa.
On top of everything that is going on around here,
you are not going to hurt my feelings, are you?
MARCI: Now where did that... Oh, there it is.
I'm so happy that we are finally friends.
For the longest time,
Lenny and I
thought that you two were too stuck up
to even talk to us.
Oh, no, not at all. It's just...
You know, work and other things.
Mmm-hmm. Lenny really likes Karen.
Mmm. [SNIFFS] Ugh.
It's good, 'cause she likes you guys too.
He thinks your wife is very classy.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, he finds her very appealing.
Well, I do too.
Thank you.
I don't know why Lenny keeps watering you people.
He's mad as hell about you not paying
that bill on his furniture.
But between you and me,
I don't think that's his problem.
Well, what is his problem?
Don't know.
No, I don't want any... Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Lenny tell you that he went to college?
No, did he? Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, on a scholarship.
Didn't work out.
He got thrown out of school.
He had what you might call, um,
a little "exchange" with a professor.
What kind of exchange?
Well, the guy gave Lenny a "C," so Lenny
gave the guy a black eye.
Lenny is a very stubborn guy, Matt.
You know, he probably keeps watering your garden
because you keep telling him not to.
Do you know what I mean?
No, I don't know what you mean.
Lenny is a creature of the heart.
He feels things very deeply.
He takes thing very, very seriously.
Matt, can I show you something?
Sure.
Oh, another one.
Lenny did it himself.
How sweet.
Yeah.
It hurt like hell.
I don't want Bucky playing next door anymore.
That's crazy. Sparky is his best friend, they're at the mall now.
Yeah, well, I know they're at the mall but when they get back from the mall
I don't want him playing over there anymore.
Those Benedetti's are a bunch of lunatics.
No, they're not lunatics, they're real people remember?
Yeah, a little too real, okay.
You know that Marci Benedetti has these little red hearts tattooed right on her,
you know, bosoms.
Oh, do tell, and how do we know this?
Well, you... You kind of had to be there.
She showed you her breasts?
Well, she didn't just like, you know, whip them out.
I went over to talk to Lenny about all this watering business
and the next thing I know,
I'm being stared down by this pair of, you know, valentines.
Okay, I am not going to sit here
and defend Marci because this whole ridiculous feud is your fault,
you started it. Are you on acid?
You... No, are you insane?
He started it. You watered his furniture.
No, he watered your azaleas.
No, no, no. The azaleas.
You soaked his furniture because you got caught up in this stupid,
macho competition. Oh!
That is not... [KNOCK ON WINDOW]
Kids are out back.
Yo, Matt.
How about some B-ball?
Not now, Lenny, because we're...
You know... Oh, come on.
Come on, let's start over.
Let's start fresh.
Come on. Two neighbors, okay.
Come on.
Okay. See you out back.
All right.
Great.
Okay, Lenny.
D-up.
I don't want your fucking ball.
And I don't want you paying visits to my wife
when I'm not at home.
I was looking for you.
I don't fucking appreciate guys visiting my wife
when I'm not at home.
So I guess this means we're not playing basketball.
Don't you ever talk down to me, man.
Don't you ever fucking patronize me.
Come on, Lenny, get a grip.
You can't win, Teach.
And you know why you can't win?
Because Lenny Benedetti is not one of your pathetic little college students
that you can put in a corner
or send off to the dean.
You want to stop me, man... Hey, Lenny.
...you got to do it man to man.
And I'm a better fucking man than you, understand?
I'm a better man than you. Okay.
God, what is your problem?
Hey.
Lenny, look.
You're in this fight all by yourself.
You hear me?
It takes two to tango, Lenny, and I'm not dancing.
I'm not going to fight with you.
How come you can't come over to my house anymore?
My Dad won't let me.
Why not?
Because he's fighting with your dad.
We can go to the park.
I don't know. I don't think my dad will let me.
Man, your dad's an asshole.
No, he's not, yours is.
Well, so what if he is.
'Cause my dad can beat up your dad anytime he wants.
Oh, so you're saying that your dad doesn't suck or anything?
Hey, you shut up about my dad.
No, you shut up!
No, you shut the fuck up.
[DOG BARKING]
BUCKY: Man, what's your problem?
MATT: Yeah, so?
What did you say then?
I just walked off.
Sparky is an asshole.
Well, that's nice.
Hey, you know, the language thing,
you're kind of like a little kid. Don't you think
you should avoid that lousy talk?
MARCI: No, I got the keys. Huh?
Oh, hi, Bucky.
Hi, Matt.
Hi.
Yeah, okay, Lenny. Go ahead. Yeah, turn it on.
No, that's fine. Hey, 'cause you know why?
'Cause I am not playing anymore.
No, that's okay, water the whole thing.
'Cause I am not playing, okay?
[BARKS]
Go, go, get out of here.
Oh, get his paws off there.
Hey! Oh, look at this.
Don't let him run across there.
Rocky, Rocky. Rocky! Where's he?
Around the house? Where is he?I don't know where he went.
How did he get out?
BUCKY: He jumped out of their window.
Oh, there he is. Get him off the paint.
Oh, wait, get out of the paint.
Oh, oh.
Get him, get him. BUCKY: Rocky, Rocky.
Get him, no. Oh, oh... BUCKY: Here, boy.
MATT: Rocky, Rocky, come on.
Oh, not in the house. Not in the house.
BUCKY: Rocky, here, boy. MATT: Oh, no.
Where is he? He's right there. Come on, Rocky.
Rocky. Oh, no. Rocky.
BUCKY: Come on, come on. MATT: Come on.
Come on, boy. MATT: Come on, you little Rocky.
Come on, Rock. Rocky.
MATT: Rocky, come here. BUCKY: Come on.
Rocky, come on, you little...
Come on, Rocky, you fucking... Get over here.
Come on, Rocky.
Pack your stuff, we're moving to Alaska.
Got it all over the carpet and everything. Oh, God, I am so sorry, Marci.
No, I... Uh-huh.
Yeah, so is Lenny there?
Oh, no, I don't want to rub it in, I want to apologize.
Really.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. Well, could he just come to the phone for a...
Mmm-hmm. Okay.
Well...
Listen, would you just tell him, I'm...
I'm just so sorry for the mess and everything and...
Uh-huh. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, he could call me back.
Okay. Yeah.
Says he's watching the ball game.
It was an accident.
BUCKY: Toby!
Bucky.
Toby!
Bucky...
He's dead.
Buck...
I can't believe he's dead.
Why did he do this to me?
No, no.
TORRES: So you say it was strychnine?
KAREN: Well, that's what the vet says.
Well, we don't get a lot of murdered dogs around here, you know.
You know... Well, you got one now.
I think you're going to find
your motive and your guilty party
right in the other room because see we've been having this
neighborhood feud. It's gotten a little out of hand.
And it's gotten a little out of hand.
Ah, Mrs. Benedetti.
One sugar. I remember.
Thank you.
Mrs. Benedetti, why don't you tell me about this
feud you're having with the Colers?
Oh, well, who can tell. When these things get started, it's just crazy.
We're all very good friends.
Yeah, it happened a couple of months ago.
We passed it up and now it's over.
That's not true and you know it.
Okay, okay, so you say that the dog tracked orange paint in here.
Yeah, this afternoon. Not a few months ago, this afternoon.
Well, there's no orange paw prints on the glass,
and there's no orange paw prints on the carpet.
I saw the dog in this house.
He came in through that window,
and he was... He was like hopping,
hopping around all over the couch here, this love seat
and the carpet and he had this paint, orange. Well, it's like a rust...
See, rust-colored paint,
on his paws. He got it over everything.
There's nothing here now.
Well... Maybe he cleaned it all up.
A-ha.
It's beginning to sound like the perfect crime.
Smell the carpet.
Smell it for cleaning solvents.
Here, come on. Let's smell the carpet, right here.
Matt. Here.
[SNIFFS] Come on, come on. No, let's smell the carpet
because you can really get... No, it was just...
It was here somewhere. Maybe it was on the...
[SNIFFS]
It was...
Matt, Matt... No...
It was... Are we, uh...
Are we finished, Mr. Coler?
No, no, see, it was an accident.
I was painting the porch, and the dog,
he just kind of like ran through with his little paws
and he got them, you know, all over.
And it was cold-blooded murder
of the dog.
A dog murder.
Mr. Benedetti,
I've spoken to Mr. Coler and now I'm speaking to you.
I want to assure you both
that the killing of a domestic animal
is a very serious business and we take it very seriously.
So I'm not going to close up this case right away.
Do we understand my meaning here, Mr. Benedetti?
[MUMBLES]
Mrs. Coler, Mrs. Benedetti, you both have nice houses here,
nice families, nice lawns.
So why don't you tell your husbands to set these problems aside,
so you can all get back together and be friends, huh?
Bygones be bygones?
The man killed our dog. Honey.
Mrs. Coler, whether he did or whether he did not,
tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your lives.
So you might as well start fresh.
Bygones be bygones.
I'm going up to the college,
first thing in the morning, I'm going to check the listings.
That's it, I've had it.
No. Don't do that.
I thought you were the one who wanted to live in faculty housing.
Bastards.
I can't be run out of my own house.
Don't let him run us out of our own house.
Okay.
Oh, man.
Okay.
It's over anyway.
It's over.
LENNY: That wimp.
Pussy. Oh.
What do you care, lamb chop?LENNY: Called the cops on me.
You didn't kill that damn dog.
And they didn't arrest you, so...Called the cops on me.
All's well that ends well.
You didn't kill the dog, did you?
Baby girl, he called the cops on me.
That son of a bitch.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, neighbor.
Ever think about putting that cute, little garden of yours somewhere else?
That's okay, Lenny. I got it all worked out.
I'm going over to the nursery and I am putting up some hedges.
Nice tall, green...
...hedges.
You know what's great about hedges, Lenny?
They fucking love water. That's what's so great about them.
And I'm going to go get me some right now.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Shit!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Oh, nice!
What is your fucking problem?
You broke my headlight.
I never touched you.
Lenny.
We shook hands, remember? Didn't we?
That means something to you, doesn't it?
Will you admit that you lost?
Lost what?
This isn't a game... This isn't a game, Lenny.
This is real life.
In real life, there are no winners,
there are no losers.
That's what the losers always say, chump.
Damn it.
It's okay.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Bucky.
Want to have a catch?
Get lost, Sparky.
Come on, Bucky.
Let's have a catch over the fence.
Here, catch the ball.
Get off my property, Sparky.
Go play with your stupid dog.
We didn't kill your dog.
Liar.
You're a liar.
You're a fucking liar.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Ow! Stop!
Get off of me.
You stupid idiot, I hate you.Ow!
You killed my dog. KAREN: Bucky.
You killed my dog. Guys, stop that.
I didn't kill your dog.
Now! Break it up right now,
get up, Bucky.
You killed my dog!
What are you doing? What's this about?
They killed my dog. Are you all right?
Fine.
MATT: Feeling better now?
You know what? Me too. And the important thing,
nobody got hurt.
BUCKY: I gave him a bloody nose.
Hey. Yeah, we know that.
We're not very proud of it either. You hurt him.
They killed my dog.
You guys know that they killed my dog.
We think so too.
But we can't always go around settling all our differences
with our fists. What if everybody did that?
The world would be a living hell.
I want you out here, now.
Is Sparky all right?
[DOORKNOB RATTLING]
Lenny. Now, Lenny, you have no right to walk in our house...
Ah.
Outside, pal.
Wait, wait, wait. Ah!
Lenny, you are out of your mind.
Lenny, I am calling the police.
Get out!
Lenny, don't do this.
[GROANS]
Dad! Ah!
Lenny, please.
Lenny, don't. Please! Don't.
Lenny, stop it!
[MATT GROANS]
[COUGHING]
KAREN: We were in the kitchen.
We were having milk and cookies and the next thing I know
he's tapping at our window and then he's pulling
my husband out onto the back porch.
And you said your husband made no move towards him.
No, he didn't.
No, I did not.
Okay, then that's it.
Unless you want to add anything or embellish it in anyway.
Do I look like I have to embellish?
We want him picked up right away.
Whoa, it's not that easy. Why isn't it?
Well, for one thing he's in a cubicle over there right now
and he's filing a complaint about you.
What?
About me? Yeah.
Are you joking? What are...
Takes two to tango, come on.
Look at his face please. Yeah. Yeah.
Look at my husband's face.
Yeah. This is a tango. Oh, yeah.
That's a piece of work, yeah.Nice, isn't it? Thank you.
Mrs. Coler, these things aren't always decided
by who takes the biggest licking. Helen.
Okay, we found the broken glass
but on the inside, not on the outside.
That seems to indicate that Benedetti
had broken the... That's a clear indication.
We are going to press charges.
Well, you can go ahead and press charges if you'd like,
but the man has no priors. They are not going to send him to jail.
So if you're done filing your charges
and taking him to court, guess what?
He's still going to be your neighbor.
Okay, you know what? I did it.
I started the whole thing.
I am guilty, I admit it to you...Sit down.
I admit it to you too. Mea culpa,
I'm the bad guy. Now what do I do to get myself the hell out of this?
Just tell me. That's all I want to know.
For one thing, you can make up with him.
Oh, my God. That's the best the police can do?
Mrs. Coler. We're not judges,
we're not juries and there ain't enough of us around to be bodyguards.
You see where I am coming from here?
The very best shot we have in these situations
is to have the neighbors live together.
That's it, I'm sorry.
Tomorrow morning, I am calling the college about faculty housing.
I thought you didn't want to be driven out of your own home.
I don't, but I don't want to stay there either.
I don't know what I want to do.
What do you want to do?
Well, let me know what you decide.
I'll help you out anyway I can, okay?
Yeah, what are you going to do for me?
Look, Mr. Coler, Mr. Benedetti...
How can I say this?
My patience is wearing real thin on this case.
So you know what I suggest?
I suggest the both of you learn how to live together.
MATT: Well, here's the news flash.
I tried that already so...
Fine with me.
Yeah, fine with me too.
Whoa, now that sounded sincere.
Lenny brought home some of those fabulous steaks from work.
Didn't you, lamb chop?
Would you guys like to come to a barbecue tomorrow night?
I don't think so.
Excuse me, can I...
Now I want you to listen to me.
'Cause I am trying to do something here
and I think you know what it is.
If you do not come to my barbecue tomorrow night,
you will be just as uncivilized as these two galoots.
Come on.
Tomorrow night.
LENNY: And then the lady says,
"Judge, I wouldn't mind if it was just one time,
"but every time we went out it was rape, rape, rape."
[LAUGHING]
You see, it's all about
your fundamental assumptions, you know.
Like, you take now.
We have a fist fight
and he puts up a hell of a struggle.
I mean, I got to hand it to you, Matt.
You put up a hell of a struggle.
But you know why his face looks like it came out of a meat grinder?
Because he can't let out the tiger.
He's built his whole life around the assumption of intellect.
Me?
MARCI: You're going to have to excuse Lenny.
He's a little bit tense.
'Cause they are laying off the packers at the meat plant.
I told you.
I'm okay. I got seniority
and I am not tense, Marci.
All right? I am a happy man.
Yeah, you're happy.
Barbecue always makes me happy.
I'm a simple man with simple taste.
And no matter what's going on in this nasty old world of ours,
there are three things that always calm me down.
One, is a belly full of meat.
Two, is a game of night baseball on TV
and three, is watering my lawn.
Now that really calms me down.
Watering my lawn.
[MIMICKING WATER SPRINKLER]
MARCI: You know what Lenny did the whole day today?
He rewired the damn house.
He put in dimmer switches
and, uh,
disco thing and everything.
Yeah, well, I could use some of that in my kitchen.
You want a disco thing in your kitchen?
No, it's just that... You want a...
...disco thing in your kitchen?
All my wiring's screwed up.
Hey.
I got a screwdriver.
Lenny is real good with his hands.
[COUGHS] A lady will not be disappointed.
[COUGHS]
KAREN: You know, there are drugs for people like Lenny.
MATT: Yeah, how about cyanide?
[KAREN LAUGHS]
MATT: Not him, Karen, it's me.
I have a big mouth, I'm a tease.
I think I'm smarter than everybody else.
KAREN: You have a big mouth, you are a big tease
and you're smarter than everybody else.
You know the thing with thinking you're smarter than everybody else?
You know what the problem is?
Everybody else is thinking the same thing
about themselves.
Good point.
[EXHALES]
Does it make any difference
that I love you anyway?
All the difference in the world.
[MATT CLUCKING]
Huh? Eggs a la Dad?
What do you say, huh? Anybody? Hello?
Hello.
Yeah, sounds good to me.
Fine.
Where's the canola oil?
Wow. 800 free travel miles.
You know, Buck. You might try reading a book once in a while.
That ever... Oh!
KAREN: Stop.
What is this stuff?
That's like some weird space-age cooking stuff.
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING] You know, the first time I played that game.
I got 62 lines
and I think about 7,400 points or something.
What a genius.
Cool, Professor.
My God, I just opened Lenny's mail.
He's been laid off.
Go put it back in his mailbox.
Actually, you know what? I'll do it later.
No, no, I, uh...
I'll drop it off after the game.
So are these eggs, like, ever going to be done? Because I could have...
I could have had these cooked, eaten and been on the way by now.
BUCKY: Sometimes I just wish you'd just
punch Lenny right in the nose.
Yeah, and what would that solve?I don't know.
Did it solve anything
when you punched out your friend Sparky?
No, but I felt better.
Really? You felt better?
Fine, cool.
[YELLING]
I don't think we're gonna hold on.
What are you doing, Dad? Yeah.
I'm going to go back and punch Lenny on the nose.
You can't do that.
Why not?
Because we're going to the ball game, Dad.
Hey, make up your mind, buckaroo breath.
You want me to take you to the ball game
or you want to go back and punch Lenny on the nose? Which is it?
Go to the ball game.
Really? Yeah.
[MATT YELLING]
What was that for?
Because I love you.
Yeah, I love you too.
Yeah. Yeah.
[HUMMING]
[GASPS] LENNY: Hi.
Came to look at your wiring.
It's in the kitchen.
Downstairs.
Oh...
Marcie would sure look great in something like that.
Matt's a lucky man.
I bet the sex life has been picking up around here, huh?
Lenny, I think it's time for you to go home now.
You are just fascinated by me, aren't you?
No, I'm not.
I bet you'd like to know what these feel like
when they move, wouldn't you?
Huh? No, Lenny, I wouldn't.
Wouldn't you like to know what they feel like when they move, huh?
Touch one, Karen.
Come on, Karen.
Touch one. Hmm?
Oh, Karen.
Aren't you just the teensiest,
weensiest, eensiest bit curious, huh?
Huh? Lenny, stop it.
You don't want to do this, Lenny. Stop it!
You like the rough stuff, huh?
You get the fuck out of here, Lenny.
Get out of here now!
Come on, Karen, I thought we had an understanding,
I thought you wanted me to come over.
Get out.
Get out, you pig.
Right now!
What's all this talk about your wiring and my screwdriver?
What?
Get out.
Get out, Lenny.
Now!
Okay.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry.
Pardon me for living.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Dad caught a ball. MATT: Well...
It was a... It was nothing, really.
I mean, the ball was coming right at me.
But I have to admit it, it was fairly spectacular.
I want to move. MATT: What?
What happened?
KAREN: I want to move.
It's time for you to go to bed. Let's go.
Come on. You make sure you floss tonight, all right?
I think maybe Lenny tried to rape me.
Who are you calling?
Calling Sergeant Torres. Don't.
Uh... What do you mean don't?
Um...
Because I don't want to do this.
Lenny is going to say that he didn't do anything
and then Torres is probably going to say that I started it.
Matt, Lenny thinks that I invited him here.
Okay, okay, okay, call.
Don't call. Will you make up your goddamn mind?
You want to move or you don't want to move?
You want me to do something about the sprinklers
or you don't want me to do something about the sprinklers?
You want me to press charges
or you don't want me to press charges?
Make up your mind!
Okay, Karen, which is it? I don't know. You want to stay
or do you want to go?
Mom, well, just talk this over with Dad.
We're going to Grandma's. We're going to stay a couple of weeks
and think this over.
Karen, Karen, please.
Let's talk it out first. Just...
Please, please talk it out.
I'll call you when I get there safely.
Don't do this.
Karen.
Lenny!
Oh, hiya, Matt. Is he home? Where's Lenny?
No, it's the night shift. He's working the night shift.
That's because of all the cutbacks.
Hey, Lenny.
Someone wants to see you.
Tell him to take a number.Lenny!
I've had enough.
You touch my wife,
you so much as even
talk to her again
and I can't be responsible for what will happen.
I'm serious, Lenny.
You understand me, right? Do you?
Then fucking say something!
Why are you talking so disrespectfully to me, huh?
I'm holding a knife.
It's got to stop, Lenny.
You crossed the line.
You have gone way over the fucking edge!
I don't know what you are talking about.
Now why don't you just get the hell out of here, huh?
I've got work to do, okay?
No, it's not okay,
and you don't have any work to do either.
What are you talking? You're fired.
Fired. What are you talking about?
LENNY: Shut up, Marci!
MARCI: Did you kill their dog?LENNY: Just shut up!
You killed their dog, did you?
You are a beast. LENNY: Shut up!
You are a beast. You're a beast.Ah!
LENNY: I'm out of here!
MARCI: Oh, yeah? You're out of here?
LENNY: You're goddamn right.
MARCI: All right, you walk out that door,
you're never going to walk in this house again, you understand me?
You're never going to walk in this house again.
LENNY: Fuck you, baby girl.
MARCI: Fuck you, lamb chop.
Oh, yeah! Well... [CLATTERING]
If I wanted back in, Marci,
I can just kick this goddamn door in!
I could just punch my hand
right through this window, Marci.
But I ain't gonna.
And you know why I ain't gonna?
Because I ain't never coming back, baby girl.
Fuck you, lamb chop.
You're nothing but bad luck.
So just keep out of my face.
You hear me, baby girl?
I'm free as a bird!
You hear me, everybody?
I'm talking to the whole neighborhood.
Unbelievable.
I'm free as a bird!
Free as a bird!
LENNY: What is your problem?
[DOOR LATCH LOCKING]
[DOOR KNOB RATTLING]
[SCREAMS] [SCREAMS] Oh.
My God, what are you doing? Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's okay, it's okay. I'm so sorry.
Karen, we've got to get out of here right now.
We've just got to get out of here.Why?
Right now. Where are we going?
Come back, come back, come back.What?
You got a problem with my sprinkler, pal?
Run, Karen, run.
LENNY: One move and I'll break his neck.Karen.
Everybody in the living room.
Now!
MAN: Torres. Hey.
You got another call from that woman, Marci Benedetti.
You know, the one whose husband keeps fighting with the neighbor.
Yeah, what did she want?
Well, she said Mr. Benedetti beat her up.
Said that she's okay.
She said she locked him out and she wants us to go out and find him
before he causes anymore trouble.
Did he take the car? Negative.
Send a cruiser out there.
Tell them to make a pass every half hour or so.
You got it. Tell them to keep their eyes open.
Right.
We're going to settle up right now.
Lenny, you have no quarrel with us, you know that.
No, that's fine.
I think we should settle.
You know, Lenny, just tell us what the lawn furniture is worth,
and you know what, we'll pay double.
Karen will write it up. Go get the checkbook, Karen.Okay.
Sit down, Karen. All you have to do is just tell us
what you want us to write in there and we'll put it in.
I don't want your lousy money.
Well, fine then. Then how would you like to settle up...
Lenny?
Lenny, how would you... How would you like to settle up?
Arm wrestling.
KAREN: That's ridiculous.
Arm wrestling?
That's a... No, that's fine.
Let's just get it over with.
That's a great idea.
Yeah.
Give me your hand, Matt.
Come on.
Karen, you start the count.
Isn't this a bit foolish?
I mean, it is, isn't it?
Three, two, one.
Okay. Three, two, one. Go.
[MATT GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
KAREN: Matt, you're bleeding.
[LAUGHS]
Lenny, are you satisfied now? Is that enough?
I'm okay, Karen. I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay, Lenny. You win.
You win. Jeez.
That's pathetic. MATT: You win now, okay?
Are you finished? That's pathetic, Matt.
That's... We're going to have to build you up for this. Come on.
Lenny, Lenny, just... LENNY: Come on.
Ah!
[KAREN GASPS]
[MATT GROANS]
Build me up for what, Lenny?
What do you want to build me up for? I just want to...
I don't want to be built up. I want to be your friend, I want to be your...
Your neighbor, like before.
I'm calling the police.
For God's sake, Lenny. Please, just let us...
Sit down and shut up.
You. Give me 20 push-ups.
What? Do it!
You count.
Go ahead. One, two...
One.
Two.
Three. Oh, that's it.
Four. Get this phone.
Five.
Six. LENNY: What is this, this is...
[MOUTHING]
"Master of English Literature."
KAREN: Seven. "Doctor of..."
Eight.
What is this, Karen?
"Doctor..." Philology.
LENNY: Philology. Matt's a reading teacher.
Philology.
What's that like, remedial reading?
KAREN: Sort of.
LENNY: All these words...
[LAUGHS]
Words are turds.
Words are fucking turds.
These diplomas, Karen.
They... They may cover your walls
but they don't cover your ass.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Only this can cover your ass.
That's 20. Okay, Lenny.
So we're done, okay.
[TELEPHONE CLATTERING]
Let's check you out, Matt.
Come on, come on up here.
Let's feel these muscles here, huh?
Big enough to cover your ass?Yeah.
Yeah.
I think they are big enough now.
Okay, let's get it on, huh?Lenny, wait.
What you're doing is illegal and it's...
It's the kind of thing people go to jail for.
Please don't do this.
Do you want to talk or fight?
I hope you want to fight, Matt, because that's what I really want to do.
Lenny, don't do it. Don't do it.
You got a problem with my sprinkler, pal, huh?
Your kid got a problem with my kid, huh?
Lenny, no, I...
LENNY: You ready to get it on?
You'll fight me like a man, huh?
Lenny. [GROANS]
Oh! Oh!
He's fighting me, Karen.
Doctor, he's a real little fighting man now.
God damn it, Matt. Is that the best you can do?
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
Run, run, run.
LENNY: God. The keys, the keys, the keys.
They're right there. I'll get them.
MATT: No, no, Bucky. Don't do it, Bucky...
You mean these keys?
Lenny.
Take your hands off my son.
And you give me those keys right now.
Now, let's all sit back down
like the civilized human beings we are
and not like the blood-sucking vampires
we sometimes reveal ourselves to be.
Bucky.
You come with me.
Sit down.
LENNY: Bucky, why don't you sit right over here next to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's...
Fine. That's fine.
911.
Squad.
Yes, Mrs. Benedetti.
Yes, we did, Mrs. Benedetti.
Well, I'm sorry, but Detective Torres
is unavoidably undisposed at the moment.
It means he's unavailable.
He's in the can, Mrs. Benedetti.
Don't let him do this, Dad.
I won't, son.
I won't.
You know what, Lenny, you've had your fun.
You made your point, all right.
Why don't you let me take you to the doctor
and we'll take a look at that hand of yours?
No hard feelings, okay?
Sit down you. MATT: For God's sake...
Where are you going, Bucky?
This is a hot poker.
We don't want you getting hurt.
Who are you supposed to be? The Statue of Liberty?
You were going to smack me with that, weren't you?
Go to hell, Lenny.
You know, Matt, I believe you're starting to get the idea.
I'm not fighting with you, Lenny.
I'm just not going to fight with you anymore. I'm not going to do it.
LENNY: Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, you're the one who turned this into a blood sport, pal.
I mean... Look at my hand.
All fucked up.
But I'm about to make a comeback.
There's nothing to fight for.
LENNY: Oh, yeah?
I think I finally got it all figured out.
Lenny.
Stay there, Matt.
Stay there.
Ooh.
Tell me, Matt...
Will you fight me for this woman?
Hmm?
Will you fight me for this?
Yeah.
Am I getting through to you, Matt?
Yup, you are.
[LAUGHS]
Good.
You go into the kitchen and you get yourself
a serious weapon.
Maybe that will even up the odds a little.
And don't you even think about running away, you understand?
Never crossed my mind.
KAREN: You don't want to be doing this, Lenny.
I hope you found something nice and sharp in there, Matt.
You know, I'm not going to do it, Lenny.
I don't want to have to hurt you.
Ready or not.
Here comes Lenny!
It just isn't fair, you know.
What's not fair, Matt?
I never did anything to you, Lenny, and you know it.
It isn't fair.
What's fair in life, Matt?
Tell me, Matt.
What's fair in life?
What's fair, Matt?
KAREN: Don't answer. He's following your voice.
Is it fair that I had to spend my whole life as a working stiff?
Because I punched out some asshole professor in calculus class.
Is that fair, Matt?
Huh?
But he's got to pay for that, Matt.
Somebody...
...has got to pay for that.
Somebody's got to pay for that.
Tag.
You're it.
Come on, Matt.
Hit me with your best shot.
[LENNY GROANS] [THUD]
Get out of the house. I'm gonna call the police.
Go, just go. Run as far as you can.
KAREN: Lenny... Lenny, move. Stop it!
Let go, Lenny. Lenny!
Lenny, get off me.
Lenny! My name is Matt Coler.
C-O-L-E-R.
No.
Sergeant Torres knows who I am.
KAREN: Lenny, stop it. Matt!
Oh, my God.
KAREN: No!
Get off of me.
LENNY: These under panties look familiar?
Think I'll go back and get me a piece of the real thing.
Hmm?
[YELLING]
MATT: Come on, come on.
Come on...
What are you going to do now, teacher man?
I'm going to kick your fucking ass.
[TV PLAYING]
Son of a bitch. You ever touch my wife again...
You touch my wife again and I will fucking kill you.
You hear me? I'll fucking kill you.
I'll fucking kill...
Bring it, man, come on!
I'll rip your fucking heart out!
You hear me?
You hear me? Here.
Kill you.
[LAUGHS]
I got to hand it to you, Matt.
You're a better man than I thought you were.
I really mean it. I really do.
You're okay in my book.
Bygones be bygones?
Bygones be bygones.
[GROANS]
Let's gather around the campfire.
[GRUNTS]
Teacher, die.
No! No!
Die.
Die, teach.
Die!
[LENNY SCREAMING]
[CLATTERING]
Shit!
Get back. They're in there.
Mrs... We'll take care of it.
We'll just take care of it. Just calm down.
[SCREAMING]
Just wait...
Lenny, Lenny, Lenny! Oh, my God.
Lenny, Lenny!
Lenny!
WOMAN: Let him through, let him through.
MAN: Excuse me. Coming through, please.
What happened?
He went too far.
You're having trouble breathing?
Want to play?
Sure.
How you doing? Good.
How are you?
Pretty good.
[INDISTINCT TALKING]
SPARKY: I'll beat you.